Original publication date February 3, 2016
Brielle
For years now, I’d dreaded having to one day truly explain to Graham what exactly Fred had done to me. I’d never imagined Graham would figure it out the way he did. I’d never thought I’d ever want anyone doing to me what Graham had been doing to me when he figured out I was still a virgin. I got caught up in the heat of the moment with a hot guy.
Afterwards, we spent hours on the couch just talking about what happened to me and about whatever happened to pop into our heads. I want to say we’ve reconnected, but perhaps it’s that we’ve really connected for the first time. I admit I emotionally pulled away when we moved in together. I wondered if it was a self-defense reaction to losing some of my independence, but I still felt very independent. I still do, even though I live with someone. I am supporting myself by paying rent even if Graham only takes it grudgingly. I wanted to live with Graham; that was the feeling I got when I first saw this house. This is home, and it’s home because he’s here. Still, the reality of the situation took some getting used to, so I pulled away. Graham understood, but I could also sense his worry in the weeks previous to that afternoon on the couch.
We’ve each been working on furthering our careers over the next month. I’ve really wanted to focus on the bartending side of the culinary career, and Graham has gotten a small promotion. He still doesn’t tell me much about what happens with him at work, but I’ve stopped asking.
“Hey,” I say, blinking in surprise when I see him walk over to me. “You’re home early.” I smile. “And I thought you might go to the gym when you left work.”
“Work was such a b*tch today, and I changed my mind,” he explains, walking around the bar.
My reply gets swallowed as he kisses me unexpectedly, pulling me into him and holding me in a desperate fashion. I let him keep kissing me for about a minute before letting him know I’ve had enough.
“Let’s go to the park,” he offers.
I nod in a happy but confused way. “Okay.” I have the evening off.
He grills some food, and we sit down next to each other at a picnic table. I happily watch a couple and their son as they make their way to the playground behind us.
“I love you,” Graham says out of the blue, and I turn around to look at him.
“I love you too,” I tell him and wonder what it is he has to say next. “What’s on your mind?”
He laughs nervously. “You already know I have more I need to say.”
“You cooked. You typically do that when you want to get on my good side. That, and there’s something about you that makes me think you’re about to pop if you don’t tell me something.”
Still smiling, he runs his fingers through his hair. “Brielle, I…” His hand wipes his mouth before his fingertips run along his chin. He rests his elbow on the table and looks at me. “I’ve been keeping something from you, something I’m not even sure I can tell you, but I think I should.”
“If it’s about your job, you don’t have to,” I tell him.
“It is about my job,” he replies and looks down at the table. I can’t tell if he’s pouting, looking guilty, or both.
“Then you don’t have to tell me. I get it, Graham.”
“No,” he says with his teeth now clenched. “You need to at least know this. I’d rather be the one to tell you than for you to find out some other way.”
Uh oh. “What?”
“When I took this job, I was amazed they even offered it to me. Then, I found out how they found me in the first place.”
“How they ‘found’ you?” I ask. I think I remember once hearing something like this. I remember how surprised he was that he was offered the job.
“Well, yeah. Someone was doing some digging on a…project and came across me by accident.”
The veins in my arms ache strangely. I can’t look at him as he tries to skirt around the facts yet try to tell me whatever it is he has to tell me. “Graham, what is it?”
“I didn’t ask for this, but Brielle, I was so desperate for a job. I didn’t find out until I’d finished my training, and by that time, we’d already started settling in here.”
“Finished your training? That was months ago.”
“I couldn’t figure out how to tell you.”
My heart accelerates. “So, whatever it is that you’re trying to figure out how to tell me, you’ve been keeping from me for months?”
He swallows. “Well, I said I didn’t know if I even could much less how. But you need to know. I can’t keep it from you anymore. Honestly, it doesn’t matter that much other than I worry what you’ll think. And I don’t want you finding out some other way.”
“Graham, just tell me.” I use a direct approach and then place my hand on my forehead.
He takes a quick breath and blurts out, “Courtney is my boss.”
“Who?” I ask. Wait a minute…
“Courtney. She was doing research on a project and came across me and my job searches.” Watching my expression, he answers it. “Yes. That Courtney.”
“Is your boss,” I state, letting it sink in. Well, I can understand why he’d not know how to tell me.
“I thought about quitting when I found out, but I’d had such a hard time finding a job,” Graham continues.
Because of me and my stupid lie. Because of that lie, my boyfriend now has his ex-girlfriend as his boss. Because of my lie, Graham has to work with someone he can’t stand. I think back to all the times he’s complained about his boss and what a hard time she’s been giving him. My mood brightens at the memories.
“Brielle, you have to know how much I love you. There’s nothing between her and me. I’m even trying to transfer to another group. I-“
“Graham, it’s fine. I’m glad you told me.” Courtney. Courtney is his boss. His mean, nasty boss he can’t stand is Courtney.
Suddenly, I start giggling. Graham turns and looks at me curiously.
“Honestly, all you’ve done is complain about her,” I remind him.
“Yeah,” he agrees but still looks confused as to why I find this funny.
“You’ve called her a b*tch several times.” To his look, I say, “It makes me happy that you can’t stand her anymore. You know my jealous streak. I guess that added to why it took you so long to tell me. I would think about her from time to time and how long you spent together that you’d want her back someday. Now, she’s here, and you despise her. You have no idea how relieved I am that all that complaining was about the woman I’d worried about all this time.”
Finally, he gets it, and a wide smile covers his face. He reaches up and holds my cheek in the palm of his hand. Then, in an uber-sexy voice, he says, “Don’t doubt me.” His tongue in my mouth prevents me from saying anything else, but I said all I needed to say.
Later in the evening, we go out to eat. I still love the relaxed feeling I have. Ever since mentioning Courtney that night in the hot tub, she’s been bouncing around in the back of my mind. Now, I know she’s the boss he hates, the boss he wants to transfer away from. Even though I don’t like that he works with her, I can’t stop my smile when I think about how he’s told me repeatedly that he can’t stand the woman.
This relaxation works a magical spell on me. I don’t know how, but I feel like I can allow Graham to love me. I’d not realized that I’d still held him away from me emotionally. I knew I loved him and he loved me, but I couldn’t let him show it like he’s wanted to do.
I can see in his smiles that he senses the change in me and revels in it. I am a woman in love, and he loves me back every bit as much.
The sun sets while we eat, and after leaving the restaurant, we take a walk in a nearby park. We stay quiet, holding hands and occasionally looking at the other one. I don’t feel like we have to talk. It’s a large park, and we take our time. I continue to wonder at the way I have let go of any doubts: This perfectly gorgeous man loves me, just me, and I know for certain that I feel exactly the same.
Graham stops walking and pulls me around in front of him. I quietly watch him. He won’t meet my gaze, preferring to look at the ground or my shoulder. He takes a breath like he wants to say something, but then he lets it out in a puff, deflating like he decided against it.
I reach up and put a hand on his cheek. Then I wiggle my other hand free to hold the other cheek, and I lean forward to kiss him. After a second, he relaxes and kisses me back like a sigh of relief.
We kiss slowly in the empty park, savoring the feel of the other one.
Little by little, I sense Graham start tensing up again. Something is on his mind, but I won’t push him to tell me. He will when he’s ready.
“I love you,” he tells me quietly, the first words we’ve spoken since entering the park.
I smile and say something I don’t typically say. “I know.”
He reflects my smile, probably knowing why I said that. Then, he gets a concerned look as he asks, “Are you happy?”
“The happiest I’ve been in my life,” I tell him truthfully.
“Me too, even if I worry about something.” He doesn’t wait for me to ask before he answers, “You haven’t wished your life took a different direction? One that would leave you more independent?”
I shake my head no. “Not if it didn’t have you in it. Graham, I am as independent as I’ve always wanted to be. It’s made a thousand times better since I can share it with you.” I marvel at the truth of my words.
I can’t read his expression, unable to decide if he’s so happy he can’t stand it, crushed, scared, nervous, I have no idea. He takes a step back, holding my hands, before bringing my hands up and kissing my fingers. If I didn’t know better, I’d swear his heart was breaking.
No. He’s going to break up with me. I answered wrong! I think back to when he’d told me how he and Courtney made each other happy but that wasn’t everything. He’d discovered that that doesn’t last. And now he wants to end it before we can get to that. No!
“Graham?” I ask, my voice betraying my sudden fear, the perfect moment we’ve shared stained by the doubts that come back in an unwelcome way.
“You cannot possibly imagine how much I love you, Brielle,” he chokes out.
But…
“I stopped at this fountain for a reason. I thought it might help me explain it. The only difference is the fountain isn’t overflowing onto the pavement, but it does work in that it keeps flowing, keeps renewing itself,” he continues, looking at my hands, which start shaking.
If that’s a breakup speech…I’ll never recover.
I quickly get out, “Graham, when I said I was the happiest I’ve ever been, I meant that I liked it, but I know that happiness isn’t everything. It’s nice; it’s wonderful. But it isn’t everything! I love you because I love you.” I hope in the bottom of my heart that that answer would work better.
His eyes finally meet mine, looking confident, and he lets go of my hands, setting me adrift.
Then he…Gets. Down. On. His. Knee!
I feel like I’ve left my body behind, like I’m strangely viewing the scene as someone else. Still, I feel myself shaking. This is really happening.
He’s not breaking up with me! I FINALLY realize, and everything he’s said recently takes on a new, beautiful hue. I know I’m back in my body because I see through my own eyes, brimming with un-shed tears, looking down at Graham as he kneels in front of me.
“Brielle, I owe you an apology.”
Huh?
“I doubted,” he explains. “I’ve asked you many times not to doubt me, but I haven’t extended the same courtesy to you. I doubted I’d ever get this chance or if I should do this should I get the chance, but now, I’m more certain of it than I have been of anything in my life.”
My knees shake more than any other part of me. I wish they would stop, but I know that won’t happen.
Graham pulls a ring out of his pocket, and the game creates a cheesy heart between us.
He finally looks up at me, and the happiest smile I’ve ever seen on him causes his face to glow. “I wanted… I mean that… I thought that…” He laughs at himself, and the brimming tears leave my eyes, cascading down my cheeks like twin fountains as I quietly laugh with him. He takes a quick breath. “Will you marry me?”
I nod my head and somehow manage with my choked up throat to say, “Yes.”
He quickly stands up to kiss me, taking my hand in the process. He holds it to him while clumsily putting the ring on my finger. His hands shake every bit as much as mine did moments ago.
The ring finally on, his arms wrap tightly around me while we deepen our kiss. Then he surprises me when he leans to the side and tucks his arm under my knees. He picks me up!
“Let’s go home,” he requests ardently, and I smile my reply.
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